Don’t Confuse Competence with Desire

Just because you’re good at something doesn’t mean that you want to do it.

I learned this revelation from a friend a few years ago at a party given by a couple of acquaintances who, like my husband and I, chose not to have kids. There are not many of us in the world and we tend to grab onto each other like life preservers when we meet.

The woman hosting the party and I got to talking about the reasons for our choices, the pressure we often felt from society to have kids, and the awkwardness that happens when you tell someone that your choice is deliberate. (People tend to confuse the choice not to have kids with an inability to have them. “Have you considered adoption?”) These conversations come up often in places like Texas, where having a family is considered a moral imperative, along with eating barbecue and watching high school football.

I have always known that having kids wasn’t for me, and I was lucky enough to marry someone who agrees with that path. Yet, as with most major decisions in my life, I have had moments when I felt conflicted. I admitted to my hostess that, when we visit family, I am always struck by how good my husband is with our nieces and nephews. He genuinely enjoys playing with them and in the process ends up turning into a big kid himself. Watching, I would sometimes feel a pang of guilt that he never got to have the experience of being a father, even though he insists he’s happy with our decision.

The woman laughed and said she had the same thought while watching her husband play with a friend’s kids one day. Later, when she remarked to him that he seemed to get along pretty well with children, he simply said:

“Don’t confuse competence with desire.”

I’ve never forgotten that statement, and I think it is a good maxim to remember as we go about reinventing our careers and our lives.

Let’s face it, most of us take jobs or do work at some point in our careers that we would not necessarily have chosen, simply because they were available or offered a paycheck and some sort of security. Which is fine: we do what we need to do, when we need to do it.

The trouble starts when you become competent in a job you don’t particularly like. If you have a good work ethic, maybe you even excel at it. Before you know it, you’re handcuffed to your desk by the sense of security that being good at what you do offers. At least you’re not being laughed at behind your back for incompetence.

But if my own serial reinvention experiences have taught me one thing, it’s that if you want to make a change, you have to break out of your competent zone. You have to push the boundaries and look for opportunities that don’t necessarily line up with your existing skills and experience. You have to put yourself in situations where you are not always the expert, and where there is a real danger of failing.

Scary, I know. We all want to feel good at what we do and get recognition for it, whether that’s being a mother of three or a corporate executive or a professional athlete. But if you have a sneaking suspicion or an inner voice telling you that your competent zone isn’t really all it’s cracked up to be, then you have to ask yourself: Are you confusing competence with desire?

If so, what is it that you really desire? More freedom? Flexibility? Control over your destiny? A job in a completely different field? To start your own business?

Focus on that. You don’t have to fall off a cliff and leave all security behind, at least not right away. Just work on the skills you need to acquire to get competent at the thing you do want to do. If you were able to develop competency and job security in a job or field you don’t particularly love, think about how good you can get at something you do enjoy.

We all have reasons for taking something less than a dream job, whether it’s necessary income, health benefits or the simply the need to acquire a work history. Just don’t let your competence be the thing that holds you back.

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